I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
