tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
