Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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