you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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