We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
