How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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