"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
