I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
