How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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