I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
