why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
