What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
