btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
