Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
