I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
