That's intense
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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