Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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