Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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