It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
