Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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