well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
