Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
