I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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