we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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