it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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