Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize