I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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