Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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