I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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