I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize