Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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