i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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