The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
