apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
