our cab driver is having phone sex.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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