and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
