My boss' voice literally gives me gas
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
