I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
