that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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