I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
