he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
