Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
