I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm too high and old for this...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
