Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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