I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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