I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
