Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
