3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
