the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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