just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
