I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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