I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
