I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize