I will die if light touches me.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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