shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
