She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize