Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
