Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
