mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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