my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
