Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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