So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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