Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize